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Robber’s Victim Allegedly Refutes Narrative of Crime Pulling “Victim Card”
Posted July 25, 2017 at 12:01 am

My mama always used to tell me, life is like a dark and creepy alley—you never know what you’re going to get. That should have been the iconic line from Forest Gump because, really, you can be pretty sure you’re going to get chocolate in a box of chocolates. Dark alleys, it’s less clear as Mary finds out above.


She thinks she’s in a pretty dicey situation, but instead she finds herself on the business end of the mansplain train—no ticket necessary. All she needed to do was threaten someone’s view of their self.

I’m Me, Not My Job

I get it though. As a disappointment in life, I’ve worn many hats. What’s interesting about doing jobs you don’t like is you become conscious of how your job represents your identity to other people. You find yourself saying constantly, I’m not my job. I’m not an over-the-phone ham salesman. That doesn’t represent me! That was definitely a made-up example.

Anyway, I’ve often wondered how criminals pictured themselves. Were I a criminal, I’d want people to think me bad enough to do whatever I tell them, but still not think I’m too bad a person. I mean, who wants to be monster, right?

It can be hard to look at yourself and see what you are. In movies, I know people confront their inner demons by plunging their face into a sink full of ice and then sighing into a mirror. That’s why I’ve smashed all my mirrors and sold my ice maker on Craig’s List. Now, I can always be me, not the sad person with a cold wet face staring back at me in the mirror.


I guess that’s the origin of the robber’s #NotAllMen statement. He just wants to tell Mary who he really is! And really, what’s wrong with that? It’s almost like he wants to say “I’m me” when he points that loaded semiautomatic pistol at her with menace. After all, he’s the real victim, right? He didn’t ask to put on a balaclava and wait behind dumpster to steal purses, did he? I mean, how dare Mary try to appropriate his story and accuse him of impropriety! HOW. DARE. SHE.

…Wow. This essay ended differently than I expected.

See you Thursday!

Trivia: The Hobarken Herald has been the site of violence in the past. In 1959, the school superintendent was gunned down by a high school student carrying a .38 and a copy of Moby Dick. The boy was acquitted since the jury thought the book was too long as well.

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